Since my Dad died in July I’ve been exploring meditation and, to a lesser extent Buddhism. I’ve been trying to meditate every day, searching for a little stillness in the chaos of my monkey mind. Finding a little quiet is becoming more and more appealing as time progresses. However, with my ADD, pop-culture, hummingbird attention span if I can sit still for 5 minutes, I call it a success. Although it takes great effort for me to do so, for it doesn’t feel like success.
I’ve been doing research and reading wherever I can and I’ve found that the road to stillness is more like a delta; many undulating paths that all stream out into the sea. Of course, I want to explore them all… simultaneously. From focusing on my breath to just sitting and paying attention to nothing, only being aware of my surroundings and sounds but not focusing on any of them. To chanting silently or audibly, to focusing on a candle flame to prayer, sometimes all at once. Which, of course, defeats the point.
Om Mani Padme Hum… Om Mani Pame Hum… breath in… look at the candle flame…. breathe Om Mani Padme Hum out… I tried it doing it just before bed, then stopped. I tried doing it whilst walking to work. I try doing it at work. Now I’m trying it in the morning. And I guess that right there is the thing. I’m not actually trying… what I need to remind myself is that I’m practicing. Because meditation is not a performance. There is no audience. Mediation is not a product. There is not something to be judged (although judge it I often do). It is a practice. It is only the experience. I met a new friend recently. He’s a Jesuit working on his masters degree in Divinity in Berkeley. A former Buddhist who still sits Zazen, he teaches meditation and yoga to the homeless. We were talking recently about meditation and how difficult it is to just do nothing. To just sit. “Sit down in the morning and take 10 breaths,” said he. “10 breaths in the morning, every morning. It’ll change your life.” And so I am trying. No, I am practicing. 10 breaths. I am practicing not beating myself up over not being able to sit still. 10 breaths at a time.
