Happy and in a good mood for no reason today. It’s been a rough few weeks.
Now that my mom seems to be doing much better and I am no longer in a constant fight or flight reflex, things are returning to “normal.” I haven’t been meditating recently. I haven’t been getting any exercise. And I have only been taking my St. John’s Wort (my depression medication of choice) only haphazzardly. And by normal I mean a general state of uneasiness, sadness and depression that I have been living through for the last several years when I don’t do these things.
I have been at my current job for over a year now. The polish has worn off and I’m on the look out again. I’m deeply dissatisfied here. And it’s not the place. The place is the same as when I first started. I work for a bank and when I got the job I needed stability. I had been freelancing and my income was irratic. Just shy of two months after I started, my father died. A couple of months after that my mom became very ill. The bank provided all that financial stability that I needed. I was fortunate enough to be in a place that moves so slow that they can allow their employees to work remotely and take large amounts of time off. And now that I’m not distracted by the passing of one parent and the illness of another, my attention is being attuned that it’s just not a good fit. I need somewhere that moves faster. I need something more creative…
No, I don’t know what I need.
And that’s the problem. One of my favorite quotes is from Joseph Cambell to “Follow your bliss”. To do that thing that makes you absolutely happy and that the universe will shape it’s way around you to support you in that endeavor. The crux of it is that I don’t really know what my bliss is. What does it look like?
Today I’m not negative. I’m not blaming the bank, or the people, or the projects for my problems. My work is here and will continue to be until I find out what that thing that I need to do is. I have a cushy job, really. And when I do realize that thing and figure out how to do it, I’ll move on. I do have an interesting possibility for something else – more on that later if it comes to fruition.
I have the most wonderful partner that I could imagine to go on this journey with. I have great friends. I live in a beautiful and liberal place. For today, I’m good.